Opposites attract, and we are all opposite…
Do you have the time
To listen to me whine
About nothing and everything all at once
Am I difficult to love?
There I was, a few traumatic periods and little perceived appreciation away, when it dawned on me that this is just another day in paradise.
I saw a post that gave me a refreshed view point, maybe a new perception or an old view with little reflection time. The idea of the post was to showcase how difficult it generally is to love someone, based on their past experiences of life, and subsequent personality formed form said life. I knew if ever there was someone that needed more time on this, it was me.
In the words of the man himself, Jim Morrison, “people are strange, when you’re a stranger”.
But you see, are we ever but strangers? Even to ourselves? If we truly try and determine our own person, is it even possible? Can you pinpoint the exact requirements of fulfillment’s for your personality, maybe based on some sort of scientifically measurable model of Maslow based on exact identifiable items, thoughts and speech for you? Not a fu… I mean, most certainly this seems highly improbable.
So how do you even begin to be in a relationship with someone you love, cherish, and adore? Surely, they would want to know who they are involved with?
Relationships is about giving.
That is the one thing I have found to be a constant requirement of a lasting, caring relationship. Giving more than you take, and gratefully doing so because you value, respect, and maintain the other persons well-being, growth and passions. In a great relationship, this is a two way street. In a treasured romantic relationship, this becomes the core value set for you to measure your success rate for each other. But for crying out loud, how do we give each other the capability to do? How do you give your needs and essence, and receive the return when the feelings are mutual. And how does one communicate this?
The truth is, we might never truly be able to serve our partner’s best, if we do not have a capability to give them that which they wish to do for us in return, serving us. And since very few of us will ever even come close to understanding ourselves, let alone communicating this to a caring partner, are we not constantly setting each other up for difficult and often explosive times? It was at this point that I might have had an eureka moment. Maybe. My simple mind told me this is an essential failure of the system. A drastic change was needed. But where to start?
Since love, life, and everything else (42?) is about as complex as the understanding of God, I needed to get to an achievable action, rather than an unraveling of the universe. There I was, wondering about the potential of a new relationship ideology, and having only had several failed experiences of the past, and a current optimistic shift towards positive, up-building love with Mandi. Limited experience in the greater sense of mankind, but certainly valuable knowledge to form the basis of theory. And utilizing this, together with freely available self-help relationship knowledge, I started to form an idea for this post.
You see, we can all read the basic advice on the internet, in books and multiple other sources. The kind that emphasizes communication, support, forgiveness and the other standard practices of a relationship, but can we truly understand the application of this without first understanding your partner’s basic requirements. And if you, like me, have been as fortunate to find someone that has you as their ultimate passion, then certainly it is important to attempt a satisfaction of this.
As I said earlier, a relationship is about giving. And working on this basis, how about giving of yourself in order to guide them to best serve their needs. How about giving them the ability to give you the same? If we could truly serve each other’s needs, would relationships even need advice? If we could truly give truths about ourselves, then would…. Aaaah. I see. There it is. The caveat. How does one give of yourself, that which is rarely identified by ourselves? Full bloody circle.
Life has taught me many things, and change is constant. If change is constant, then certainly we are ever evolving creatures. This should be basic knowledge for everyone, right? So how do you give your partner the person you are today, vs the person you were yesterday? And how do we make this an ever-evolving potential for our relationships? Struggles of the confused mind…
I am one of those
Melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone, no doubt about it
But it need not be so complex. It can even be quite easy. When we start to utilize the basic pieces of self help relationship advice, and very specifically the communication parts, is it truly so difficult? Well communication is an easy word, certainly, but is it valuable?
In my opinion, communication, true, heart shattering vulnerable communication is one of the most difficult things in life. We are often so scared that people won’t understand our ways, thoughts, words, that we mislead them with gentle whispers of sweet nothingness, rather than a scary revelation which could lead to loneliness and despair. And for the most part of life, this is probably not only necessary, but a lifesaving tool where we can hide behind masks to serve the master of your fait at that point. Working or contractual relationships comes to mind, where it would be highly unlikely that exposing ones vulnerable self will lead to impartiality on the receivers side. And since a vast majority of our time is spent in constant competition with the world, our default behavior is rarely to have a comfortable space to communicate freely. This is probably one of the most destructive patterns to our love relationships that I have yet identified. And one that I wish to set free right now.
If you need to fear your partner’s reaction to a truth based on a vulnerable exposure, you are not in a relationship at all.
Let me explain. In my past lives, where I successfully continued to fail at my relationships, it was often because of the fear of my partner’s reaction to my weirdness. My personality is definitely not an easy one, many people will tell you, but it is mine. My sexual desires, ambition, love language, and core belief structures has been formed and tempered in the forges of a life full of experiences. Sharing some of these experiences, and definitely many other deep dark desires, has been some of the most difficult times in my life. The monster I am, was not for public consumption, or so I thought. And since this was survival of the fittest, well, that which seems to not conform, would be hidden. And hidden it was. And failure it created. Since my person was constantly driving against that which I portrayed, it inevitability would lead to a clash of the titans. And wouldn’t you know it, the subconscious has yet to lose.
In an analysis of my highly achievable failures of the past, one thing was towering out above all else. I failed because I could not be me. I could not be me, for the people who were trying to serve me. And since their perception was the mask, the mask was served. And when the mask fell off, my partners were shocked, mislead and discouraged. And it was often too late to rectify. It was often more difficult to even admit to the truth of me after such a failure, that the cycle continued ad nauseam. And ultimately, life would continue, with or without me. And it did.
When a new page was finally turned, and a willingness to explore myself, understanding my requirements, and living these was gifted to the world, a journey of adventure began. The people who needed to know who I was most, were not misled. They knew me for me. They could serve me for me. I could serve them from my being, and for who they were. The world started to make sense. My partner was satisfied.
Our growing levels of self discovery, exposure and acceptance are the key to our success. The biggest component of our love is the acceptance that we are different from each other, but truly accepted, regardless of our inability to understand via our own life journey. Our ability to learn and accept, to move mindsets where it cannot blindly accept, but needs to be nurtured and protected from both ends, has been the change required. We certainly still have very little idea of the person we are to become, but we are loving the exploration and dedication to achieve this together. And as partners, Mandi and I, have enriched each other through a truly vulnerable exposure of self. A trust of life, in the others hands. A growing fondness of the unexplored, and continued support, regardless of the weirdness.
And weird I am. And weird Mandi is. And weird you are. This is a truth. A universal truth. A devastating truth to relationships especially when undisclosed, and more so when you are presenting a mask. A masked person in relationships, has no relationship at all. Your partner wishes to serve you, at least in true love conditions, and allowing them to do so, vulnerably so, is the greatest gift you can bestow on them. When you further gift them the ability to give you the same vulnerability, they are gifted true love in return. And when the true self is not the person you thought you or they were, and it stands out at an angle of non support, you have already failed. Your relationship will not handle such deviations, as truly, acceptance needs to be a cornerstone. You have no relationship without it. And you have no self-worth, as a result.
Sometimes, I give myself the creeps
Sometimes, my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I’m cracking up
Am I just paranoid
Or am I just stoned?
My wish to you and yours is a vulnerable exposure of yourself.
Take some time, maybe once a week, set some time up with each other, and after some careful self discoveries, explore the exposure of a piece of you which has not been shared prior. Take a simple truth, maybe something as simple as a childhood dream job, or go fully complex as a fantasy sexual desire which you think no one would understand. Fear will drive you away from this vulnerability, guaranteed, and it is yours, to fight the fear, or suffer the consequences of life proceeding, with or without you. However, this sort of exposure leads to acceptance of self, and where it does not, your mask won’t save you either.
Keep hope, faith and trust in your partner.
Explain this to them. Explain your desire for acceptance, especially from them. Allow them to gift you the love, care and protection you deserve of a true, vulnerably exposed communication. Gift them the same.
In the end, we are all just basket cases, looking for our basket. And our true basket, will catch us, hold us, and protect us. Unconditionally.
Comment down bellow if you found some inspiration, have an opinion, or maybe just want me to give you a call to assist. Your relationship is worth trust, so don’t let fear be greater than your capabilities… Make a difference for you and yours, and trust the love.
Amor fati, amor carorum