When the walls has to answer
This blog is not a reference to the fact that I have been quiet for a while, or maybe it is. Maybe.
Most certainly it is a piece related to the song, as I still suffer the pesky music addiction thingy. The sound of silence, originally by Simon and Garfunkel, but my preferred is the Disturbed version.
Life hey. Always has a way to catch up to you at the most inconvenient times.
There I was, peacefully accelerating on a path of indifference and relaxation, as my first ever holiday in years came up. Camping, swimming, fires, and then it hits.
Much like a stray cat coming into your camp ground at night, probably in the early hours of the morning, that steals your meats which you left out to defrost for the next day’s lunch. Exactly like that, or not similar at all. Life and my glaringly obvious miss catches to the casual observers, or at least insiders with a view of my often chaotic schedule came rushing in and took my meat. And for those in the know, I ain’t no vegan.
There I was, sitting back, preparing for some upcoming wedding planning, when disaster happened. The details is a bit blurry, as I tried as swiftly as possible to restore order and grant us all a much needed relaxation period, but the basics were that Mandi and I had a fall out where, if I am honest, my predictable control driven personality was an obvious instigator. That, coupled with my overworked, over supportive, and under self investigated personal life. The result was a late into the night too and fro of unrelenting hard- and hot-headedness, until a supportive resolution presented itself, built in the compartments of our ever growing and loving relationship, coupled with deep understanding of each others own personal journey’s. We ended up cuddling and speaking strong love affirmations, but I digress and reminisce too much for the goal of this post…
You see, that moment when life caught up, was mostly because it is often easy to help, support and build others, and in the process, forget about, or simply allocate too little time to one’s own struggles. And when you turn around and there is no one there to listen to you speak a truth, an emotion, a request for help, well, we compartmentalize it, pack it in a box, and put it away. Even if the reason there is no one there is your own doing through various actions of busy bee behaviour. (Or a slight case of ADHD still mostly under control, but quick to get out of hand if left to its own devices.)
We’ve got this. I’ve got this. Not to worry, no time now. Silly answers to yourself at dangerous tumultous times.
And then, unexpectedly, (Damn cat) life catches up and makes you see time as a stupid construct, until ignored…
The sound of silence was written to teach us to beware the neon gods, man made and Mamon like attractions which steals our voices, thoughts and time, and refuses us the opportunities needed to speak and listen to those who need it most. Sometimes those who need it most, is you yourself. And by our mostly very selfless nature, we often neglect that person the most. The song continues to warn us that when those voices of ours are ignored, the silent cancer grows. The silent, murderous, malignant tumors of ignoring the love, support and care for one self. And when your neon gods don’t hold the answers anymore, the silence of the darkness could be your only friend left.
In my case, my neon gods seemed to be this journey of support, career and in general time mismanagement, leading to the point where the people begging to hear and support me, were left with their own darkness to answer.
Today I wish to make a plea for you dear reader. A much needed reflection to myself, and hopefully a corrective course of action to our often over indulged chasing of our fake idols of worship, whether it is Mamon like, or own importance through supportive, guiding and coaching, but self neglecting behaviors.
STOP!
“Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you”
Take a breath.
Reach out to your support structure.
Tell them something…
As much as you are their support structure, so too, do they want to be yours.
They need it. Let them care for you.
You need it. Let you care for you.
And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
Then the sign said, “The words on the prophets are written on the subway walls
In tenement halls”
And whispered in the sound of silence
We are all in need of time for ourselves and allowing vulnerable truths to our dearest. Allow it to be true. Allow it, or whisper in silence when the darkness is all that is left.
Please comment down bellow if you ever thought you only had darkness left as a friend, but then found out you actually have a magnificent support structure, if only you allowed them. And if you think you only have darkness left, let me know, and let’s get you back on track to discover that person begging to be there for you. They are closer than you think. Let’s fight the darkness together!
And to my most valued supporter, Mandi: Thank you for your unyielding insistence to be the best partner for me and us. You are my Luna on a dark night, and my Terra where my growth stems from. 143, as always, and forever.
Amor fati, but give it a fair chance, especially through those special others waiting to support you.