The last few weeks, I had some terrible fallouts with my son, Andreas, who has been neglecting his schoolwork, family responsibilities, and in general, just being an as per the book typical teenager. I refuse to believe this is only hormonal, as there are many things in his short life of only thirteen years, that he has had to endure, grow through, and ultimately find a path of survival.
One thing is certain, he is highly intelligent, and just like me, has come to be bored by everyday challenges presented to them at their age. Schoolwork is mediocre at best, the instinctual sexual nature being suppressed by societal standards has been relentless, and coupled with his tumultuous past, where he was of impactful age when his mother and I went through some dark patches before our divorce, has all led to him picking a safety in the background-position. Except for chess, which he finds not only stimulating but enthrallingly challenging as there is always more to learn. In chess, I see the son I know. The thinker and planner, the adventurer and challenger, the rule follower and teacher, and the kind-hearted and often sacrificing boy I always knew. The one it seems; I wish I was more of myself. And I thought to myself: Hang on just a damn minute here, where have you seen these things before? Why is it that those attributes were the important ones? Who made me recognize these virtues… And it dawned on me. These are Stoic values.
I learned a few things at that moment, one of them being the significant influence the Stoic philosophy has had on my life. Another was the realization that most children I know (before adolescent age at least), have the uncanny ability to be truly Stoic by nature.
I realized my son had been a part of the inspiration I needed to witness to realize a good and hopefully eventual virtuous life. I discovered the dire need for better for him. I felt the inevitable tragic emotions of despair of not only being a failed father it seemed, but also the typical mechanic’s car syndrome kid. My acceptance of this was short-lived though, and I quickly turned it around on myself as a moment of reflection, an opportunity for change, and a hopeful tomorrow due to this. Let’s just call it a Better than yesterday opportunity.
In my reflection on the problem at hand, I came to realize the neglect I have been showing not only to him but to many of the dearest of my heart. The moments of angry lashings out, merciless working hours, unyielding drives of high focus improvements for all and sundry, yet my own house was falling apart. I was not to excuse myself lightly from this one. The time has come to face some more realities it seemed, not least of all, that my work was interfering with my personal life. Of course, we all have that problem, and I recognize that, but I have yet to face a global challenge I will not attempt to resolve. Also, I recognize the irony of this statement being one that potentially places more work on me. Damn time and its constraints. (I will save this global problem for another day though, if the dear reader would allow small mercies)
Stoics emphasize the importance of distinguishing between things we can control and things we cannot. They advise focusing our energy and attention on what is within our control (our thoughts, actions, and decisions) and accepting with equanimity what is beyond our control (external events, other people’s actions, etc.) (Also, Time, but who knows…). Therefore, one of the first things I would need to get a grasp on was me. I would need to take stock of my day, week, month, maybe even year, and 5-year plan. Not that I would be so arrogant to think I could control any of those, but marginally, ever so slightly, I could potentially shift some things to better serve my stoic virtues, and hopefully my people.
By having Stoicism as a guiding principle in my life, and gaining philosophical nuances that are investigated, experimented with, and utilized long term, or discarded with disdain, I managed to become a principled and proudly virtuous striving man. This has given me the ability to attempt this journey I am about to embark on and invite you, dear reader, along. To the stormy seas of self and guided discoveries, the tranquil bays of amor fati, and the explorations of well-spent sunsets, driving Better than yesterday.
I have set myself the immediate goal of opening up this door of opportunity, not only to myself and my loved ones but also to share freely, thereby committing some more Stoic principles to practice. I will be journaling in blog form, through which I will attempt knowledge gain and share, and I will place emphasis on chasing inner peace for all involved and willing to join on this trip.
Hold onto your hats, as I expect hurricane-like writings, initial confusions, lots of searching in perceived directions of understanding, until proven otherwise, and mostly a bizarre exposure which hopefully leads to wisdom. I will share as we go, and I will share after careful thought and meditation. I will attempt to give as much of this often chaotic mind through to you, but equally, endeavor to give through reviewed actionable items and conversations of value.
To keep me halfway on track, because committing more than that right now seems deplorable, I will attempt to keep these writings, and my map, loosely scribbled on a napkin and only containing a dotted line and a big red X, based on this high-level plan:
- Personal Anecdotes and Stories. I will try and highlight moments where he exhibited wisdom, courage, justice, or temperance, both in chess and in other aspects of his life. I will encourage him to do more self-exploration of the same, with an initial plan of ideals and values being allowed to form and redevelop.
- Chess as a Metaphor: I will explore available metaphorical significances of chess as a reflection of life’s challenges and opportunities. I will showcase to him how his passion for chess has not only sharpened his intellectual abilities but also honed Stoic virtues.
- Stoic Practices for Adolescents: I will look for Stoic practices that are suitable for teenagers. Journaling, mindfulness exercises, or practical exercises for cultivating Stoic virtues.
- Challenges of Adolescence: I will acknowledge the unique challenges that adolescents face, including the pressures of school, societal expectations, and emotional growth. I will look for some tools aimed at addressing these challenges.
- Future Aspirations: I will showcase to him that principles and values give you a measure of achievement, and how that can be used as a guide to your future.
- Open Conversations: I will continue to emphasize the importance of open and ongoing conversations, about his thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
- A Call to Action: Lastly, I will attempt to encourage you, dear reader, to reflect on your own parenting experiences and consider how Stoicism might be applied in your relationships with your kids.
But before I can get to these, it is time for review. A stock take, a time inspection. Basically, all the necessary homework to yield positive results, for a task so critically important, that half arsing it would be despicable. And in my follow-up, I shall provide insight into this self-discovery phase, the methods, the goals, and the results. I hope these reflections are of worth to you, as much as it already is to me.
Amor Fati
